The People’s Republic of You: What to drive if you inherit a country
By Teddy Field
OK, let’s say your dictator daddy just died, and he left you with a gazillion dollars, a poorly trained military, and 8.5 million starving subjects. Assuming that the UN is up-to-date on their humanitarian aid, you’re going to have a few things to figure out. Among these important issues is what kind of car you’ll be driven in. So we here at Kandy Magazine would like to, of course, extend our sincerest condolences, along with a few suggestions for your next state limo…
Mercedes-Maybach S600 Pullman
For over half a century, the Mercedes Pullman limo has been striking fear in the hearts of peasants around the globe. Kim Jong iL, ”Baby Doc” Duvalier, and Hussein (Saddam, not Barak) have all owned one. And now you can own the latest version, for a mere fraction of your country’s GDP.
Based loosely on the new S-Class, the freshly minted Mercedes-Maybach S600 Pullman is nearly 4-feet longer than the long wheelbase S600, and it features 2 forward-facing thrones (reclining, massaging, heated / cooled etc.), with 2 fold-away jumpseats for your minions. There’s also a glass divider window between the driver and passenger compartment, to help you avoid that whole War Crimes thing. And Mercedes-Maybach will happily configure the interior in any way that you (or your psychics) can conjure up.
Your driver will be able to quickly hurl you past all of the dissidents, thanks to your Mercedes Big’s 530-hp twin-turbo V12. Plus, you can avoid their grenades with Mercedes’ Guard armoring package. But here’s the thing; the side window frames of the Mercedes-Maybach S600 Pullman are trimmed with more chrome than your drug dealer’s Chrysler 300C. And the “Designo” leather interior has more diamond stitching than a 12-pack of Charmin Ultra. So do you really want to look like a drug dealing cartoon bear?
Price tag: The prices for unarmored models start at $566,922 USD.
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Rolls-Royce Phantom Extended Wheelbase
If the Mercedes Pullman rules by intimidation, the Rolls-Royce Phantom EWB takes a more dignified approach. To start, it has all the presence of a rolling bank vault. That upright chrome grille would probably fit on a freightliner, and the Flying Lady hood ornament sits there like a giant middle finger to the masses. You don’t have to explain a thing when you arrive in this behemoth. Because you’re clearly somebody of great importance.
The Rolls-Royce Phantom Extended Wheelbase has definitely mastered the art of pageantry. But they leave the rest of the details up to you. Want your family crest painted on the doors, and inlaid in the wood trim with semiprecious stones? Done. Want B7 armor plating to protect you from the peasants’ tomatoes? Done. Want a single rear throne, upholstered in hand embroidered silk? Done. Short of stitching actual hookers into the headrests, the Rolls Royce Bespoke department can fulfill almost any request.
But if you pull up to a NATO Summit in one of these, everybody’s going to know you’re skimming from the tax till.
Price tag: The prices for models start at $508,800 USD.
GoArmored “Money Truck”
If you’re the newly christened Supreme Leader of UBallastan, then you need to roll in a Money Truck from a company called GoArmored. These customized armored trucks are the latest fad among celebrities, rappers, and broke reality stars that still want to appear relevant. Because nothing says “Ballin” like an old Brinks Truck full of strippers female entertainment providers.
GoArmored offers two versions of this rather novel transportation solution. The short wheelbase GoArmored Money Truck is based on an actual retired cash truck, and retains all of its body armor and bulletproof glass. You can specify any interior layout that you want, and they have loads of audio-visual, lighting, upholstery, and bar options to choose from. If your motorcade is often filled with lots of high ranking officials, then you might want to step up to the long wheelbase GoArmored Vault 2. This diesel-powered armored truck limo can accommodate up to 24 “cabinet members”, and there’s even a retractable stripper entertainment pole…for those important strategy meetings.
So there you have it: 3 ultra-luxurious rides, fit for a King / President / Supreme Party Leader. If you plan to rule with an iron fist, then you gotta go with the Mercedes S600 Pullman. If your adoring subjects regularly gather to praise the fact that You are their leader, then a Rolls Royce Phantom Extended Wheelbase will provide plenty of room for your ego…and your ornamental sword. But if you want to take a more Gaddafi approach, then your squad of Amazonian “Guards” will just love that retractable entertainment pole in the GoArmored Money Truck.
Good luck, your Excellency!